choir gowns
The other day when I was thinking about what I wanted to wear for my birthday party a memory resurfaced from when I was in junior or senior high at one of the churches my family attended. I used to arrive on whatever night youth group was and go straight to a little closet area where choir gowns hung on hangers. I would pick out the same short cream coloured choir gown and wear it for the evening while at youth group. Nobody seemed to care (and honestly I kind of wished I kept it because probably it’s in a landfill now because who wears choir gowns? Now I’m wondering if it was actually a baptism gown because I never saw anyone wear a choir gown at that church once). I don’t know if I fully knew why I did that until recently when I was thinking about bodies and how mine has changed and how differently I feel about it now than how I used to feel in it. I remember feeling trapped in it, especially once I turned 13 and got my period and developed hips and breasts and had braces. It was a terrible time but it was also kind of mysterious and wild and new. I think I saw that choir gown as a sweet safe place where my body could just be without being perceived by anyone even just for a few hours. I craved that kind of canopy to just exist in as myself without comparison or judgment specifically from myself. What a weird and magical time that was.
The month of September I spent mostly sitting down: in my car, in classes, in a backhoe when I was at work. My entire body was screaming at me to get out of school by the time I decided to do so. I couldn’t sit anymore. I didn’t want to. I always want to be a student (and my curiosity won’t have it any other way) but I want to learn about the earth. I’m very disinterested in the systems humans have made to keep things running the way they are (because it’s killing us to run things the way they are). I want to learn about how to grow things and how to remember the names of things. I want to learn about honouring and remembering the ones whose land we stole. I want to help give it back.
I have no idea what is going to happen between now and when I travel for a little while but I’m excited about it. I think I’m going to look into some outdoor survival courses and maybe some botany, horticulture, agriculture…that’s what I’m into right now. I think I just had to try and see if I could be interested in something more “capitalist” or something. But I don’t care. I don’t want to belong in a system I don’t believe in.