why did the jays losing make me so emotional

I’m looking at her and I know everything she felt about the necklaces she wore and the orange bathing suit with the star on the chest. I zoom in to see the moles above her lip and on her cheek and I’m grateful they haven’t gone away. It’s like I just want proof that I really am her because I want to be her so badly. I want to remember how it felt to be her.

I know she loved her blonde hair and green eyes but she didn’t spend much time thinking about them.

I’m looking at her and I can’t figure out why I can’t stop staring at her. I realize I just want her to turn her face and lock eyes with me. I just want her to see me. Why?

Because I’m floundering and I want her advice right now. I want her to tell me what to do. I’m so scared that I’m letting her down. And it’s funny because even as I say that I know she would say to me what I said to the Jays last night. I talked to them through the tv screen before the game was over and I made sure I told them it didn’t matter what happened; they had already made us so proud. I’m looking at myself in the mirror and being critical of who I am. I can be so self critical even when I know how far I’ve come. But I look at her and I want to let myself turn into her again. Untouched and brilliant. It’s not too late - there is still time and I am still here. So I tell myself to peel away from her because she actually never left. I am her. I wonder if I knew when this photo was taken how often I would return to this moment. How I would grieve everything that happens between then and now. I wish I could tell her so many things. Maybe she hears me and maybe that’s why her expression is what it is. Maybe she hears all of the regret in my voice and she knows it doesn’t matter. It’s okay. She hears me bemoaning all of the mistakes I would make and she doesn’t flinch. Because she’s proud of me. She actually can’t wait to be me. And even if she could change everything she wouldn’t. Those are her mistakes to make, it’s her story to tell. So I’m going to let her make it happen. I’m so proud of us. Even when I’m scared.