when the cocoon doesn’t feel so comfy anymore
The above drawing was presumably originally a self portrait which turned into more an abstraction of the man in the iron mask. I really like how it turned out honestly. It’s the end of June and I’m back at my parent’s home. I’m going back to school in September to get another degree, this time in Law. Not sure entirely where I want to go with it but I’m excited to make new connections and be inspired by new ideas. It seems important to take myself out of the spaces I have known and become comfortable in and to throw myself into the unknown. The cocoon doesn’t feel so comfortable anymore.
I just went to see my grandmother in the hospital. Although she’s extremely small and unlike the version of her I have known my whole life she still makes me laugh even when she’s being completely serious. I still haven’t figured out whether she knows she’s being funny half the time - or if she’s just really good at playing ignorant.
She calls me her lookalike granddaughter because we’re both short and cute. But I actually look like my other grandmother. Her name was Coral and she passed when I was 8. She had blond hair and a heart shaped face and she was soft and strong. She knew how to wear make-up and she liked nice things like her collection of crystal animal figurines that she kept in a cabinet in the living room with wall to wall white carpet. I have no idea where all of those little glass mice went after she passed.
I’m listening to the track Making Water from The Martian soundtrack on repeat and trying not to spiral about climate change. It’s really hot outside. And most days I can settle into the low grade anxiety I feel about the planet and then let it be on the back burner for the whole day and it doesn’t escalate beyond that. But I think just seeing my grandmother in the hospital and thinking about death and the sun. And what’s happening in the Middle East. And I'm currently reading The Coddling of the American Mind, so I’m thinking about that too. Honestly probably just thinking too much?
I went to the track today and walked for almost 2 hours and that felt really good. I like walking. Lately when I go to walk I’ll wear my backpack and pretend I’m preparing for the Camino again and that’s fun. Trying to get out of my head and into my body these days. I’m crying more. I’m also noticing myself being less self conscious which is new. I’m doing things and afterwards noticing that I didn’t overthink it and that feels good.
But it all kind of feels like I’m in purgatory right now. It’s summer and I’m working outside and I’m around the same people every day and I feel restless. Unfulfilled. Maybe a little burnt out. And as I’m writing this I’m thinking, “Who cares?” but I don’t think this is a me thing - I think other people know what this feels like right now. Collectively. Summer 2025 feels like a giant inhale and I’m ready for the next thing. So many massive things hang in the balance and it feels like all of existence is in so much pain right now - I want resolution. I want clarity. How much longer will it feel like this? Will outside the cocoon be better than how it feels to be inside?